Did you ever wonder how pharmaceutical companies create names for new drugs?  Millions of dollars are invested not only in the research and development, but also in creating a memorable brand name. The name creates an image and lifestyle for the prescription that creates a positive feeling for anyone being medicated.

An equal investigation of names can take the guesswork out of naming children.  Why fight with your spouse on picking between “Tiffany” and “Mercedes” when you can name your baby girl “Trulicity.”  That name did not come cheap for Eli Lilly Co., so at their expense grab this status seeking moniker to set your determined daughter apart.

Recent trends in naming children have moved away from European or Biblical names like John, Thomas, Ruth, or Nancy to cool, modern names like Stokerdude, Redderferrari, Orangello or Rhubarpi.   But these names are hard to remember and may create career barriers when your child reaches mature adulthood.  On the other hand, a guy named Beau Taux will be perceived as youthful and having a stiff upper lip.  Bon Jovi’s big sister Bon-Bon Iva might bone in on Sally Field as a spokesperson for density drugs.

This potentially hot, new trend of naming kids after pharmaceuticals would eliminate Zodiac based horoscopes in favor of benefits and side effects.  Each kid would have fact-checked attributes that create a new level of transparency.  Fortunetellers can now reference pages of fine print that accompany each Pharma-name; palm reading one’s lifeline line becomes obsolete.

Let’s discuss a few suggestions on what you can name your little bundle of joy: Hugh-Meera with side effects of memory loss, cold feet, unpleasant breath, and did I say forgetfulness?  “Abilify” sounds like a modern, 2020 version of “Billy” but with a little extra caffeine.  “I left the name research up to Billion Dollar Big Pharma,” a new mother exclaimed as she left Chino Regional Hospital with tiny baby “Chantix” Smoktoomas.  “Meloxicam” Sanchez’ new parents echoed the bonus of using a researched, big budget name to lift their baby doll above the masses. 

While all this commotion was going on, another young couple was quietly leaving under the radar, away from the paparazzi with non-descript twin girls… Jenn, Erica of course.

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