The Champion recently reported that incoming Mayor Brian Johsz was being referred to as Bürgermeister, which means mayor in German and reflects his heritage. Ironically, Spanish-speaking workers reference the same title to their flattop grill cook at Bravo Burger.  

National fast food chain Burger King is considering taking this to the next level with a new marketing promotion to pass out Bürgermeister Johsz crowns to Chino Valley customers who order the new 3-way Special in January.  We also learned in the newspaper report that outgoing mayor Art Bennett has been elevated to Lord Arthur by nature of his birth in Aberdeen, Scotland.  Lord Arthur stated that the new moniker sounds a lot better than “Ex-Mayor” and adds a little mystique to the local legend of the Loch Serranos Monster.  

The newly appointed Vice Mayor, Ray Marquez downplayed his new status in city hierarchy. “The words vice and mayor do not go well together,” he proclaims. “It sounds more like a sting operation when a local politician gets busted at a massage parlor.”  In the spirit of name changing, Councilman Marquez would like to be known at Conquistador Marquez as he marches into his new position. 

According to my confidential source, busybody neighbor Mrs. Jacobsen, Title Fever is rampant at City Hall. Peter Rogers and Cynthia Moran are befuddled with the pedestrian name designation of Councilman and Councilwoman and do not want to be left out from upgrading their titles.  Peter was contemplating several upgrades.  “Jolly”capitalizes on a Johnny Depp pirate vibe but as a sommelier and wine aficionado he won’t step down to a title emphasizing the swilling of rum.  “It’s a Wine Walk, not a Rum Walk,” he retorted. Prince Peter has a nice ring to it, but sounds like a defendant in the Jeffrey Epstein case.  He’s said to be settling for “Kaiser” Rogers, a title he believes exemplifies his senior status in local leadership.  

Cynthia Moran dispelled the rumor of wanting to be known as “Lady” Moran and blew the lid off the legend of the Loch Serranos Monster.  “There is no sea monster at Lake Los Serranos, just a couple of jabonies in a kayak having one too many single malt beverages while arguing over how to bait their hooks.” 

Ms. Moran was trying to decide between Maharani and Pharaoh. Her husband, Dave, thought Maharani Moran well suited to her diversity and international appeal.  

So now the City of Chino Hills has five fine individuals representing our town--a Bürgermeister, Lord, Conquistador, Kaiser, and Maharani.  Fitting titles for all five elected officials.

But wait… the five guys of 5 Guys Burgers and Fries franchise fame have filed an injunction against the city.  The legal complaint explains that these are five prototype hamburgers from the yet-to-be-released 2021 menu.

Hold the müstard.   

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