The family disease

My dad struggled with alcoholism when I was growing up. I was in first grade when my mom told me that my dad was an alcoholic. This may sound as if I was too young to be told this, but I was not. I needed to be told. I needed the truth because I was confused why there were periods when I did not see my dad for weeks at a time. My dad went months without alcohol and eventually the cycle would start with his disappearance which meant he was drinking again.

 Our family plans were on hold for at least two weeks. I have memories in my elementary years of my dad coming home after two weeks of drinking feeling sick and remorseful. In a week’s time our lives carried on as usual until the next time he left, and the chaos started over. This is the pattern of many periodic alcoholics. Growing up in an alcoholic home is not easy because one’s daily life becomes a place of fear and uncertainty.  During my younger years I did not understand why my dad chose alcohol over his family. 

My dad was always open with me about his struggle with alcohol.  We had many discussions over the dinner table. I did not understand why he drank when he knew the worry, hurt, and chaos that deeply affected his family. He explained that his struggle was consumed by the craving compulsion and obsession to drink. His thinking process was, “I can handle just one drink.” Once he had that one drink, a loss of control over the choice to drink or not to drink took over.  It was a constant battle climbing to the highest peaks and falling to the lowest levels. 

My dad was active in Alcoholics Anonymous while my mom and I attended Al-Anon, a program for those affected by alcoholism. The meetings were helpful because we were surrounded by others who were experiencing similar struggles. On the surface, our family was like every other family, but we felt like we were in a whirlpool of conflicting feelings of love, loyalty, and guilt. The meetings helped us work through negative feelings and understand the disease to the best of our ability. Al-Anon helped my family through the years of my dad’s recovery. As I grew older and more involved in Al-Anon I understood more about the disease. Most importantly I learned to give control of the situation to the higher power, control what I can, and let go of the rest.

My dad was a man of honesty. I loved him unconditionally. Although the alcohol changed him, I was always hopeful the chaos would end. That hope kept me going when things seemed so confusing, especially as a young child.  As the years passed, his battles continued until he hit rock bottom when he realized his family was at a point of walking away from him. The realization of his family leaving him was the wakeup call he needed. This was the point in time he became sober for the balance of his life. We became exhausted from our struggle with alcoholism to the point that something needed to change. Fortunately, after this awakening we as a family found an inner peace despite knowing alcoholism would still be a daily fight for sobriety. My dad did it and it was his determination and fortitude to fight the fight. This is why I will always be proud of him and look to him as my hero.    

Rozanne Alonzo is a Chino Hills resident and contributing columnist for the Champion.